My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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