final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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