You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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