He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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