I feel like I'm in dance class right now
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
