Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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