I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
