So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize