did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
