you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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