I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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