I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
