I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
