she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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