My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
