On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
