Plan B is the new Plan A
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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