It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
found the other keg... it's in the tree
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
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