Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize