You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I think my moral compass just broke
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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