I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
