You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
