I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
