you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
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