We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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