yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
