we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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