Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
