I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize