Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
