I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
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