I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Of course I have a pirate flag
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
