Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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