Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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