We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
