You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
