Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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