WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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