Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
