This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
