Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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