Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
