i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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