i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize