Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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