I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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