whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize