shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
