You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
there is glitter all over my balls
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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