The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
