its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
