I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize