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Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
