I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
