i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
