I think I won the penis lottery.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
