I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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